Nickleback found dead, nobody cares

It appears that fatty old lady "rock band" Nickleback has died. Apparently their plane crashed somewhere in Canada two months ago and it is just now being noticed by the band's lone fan. The fan, who wishes to be called L33T DuNG30n M@5tur, had the following to say "I was like, at the concert, and like, they weren't there. I waited a week and a half. They owe me a concert." At this point the fan is insisting that the FAA go recover the flight recorders, known as the "Black box" to find out what happened...even though the FAA has no jurisdiction in Canada. A spokesman of the FAA went on record to say "Even if the plane had crashed in the United States, who cares?" The only bodies found were the band members who apparently attempted to survive by eating each others semen. Oddly the pilot and co-pilot of the plane are nowhere to be found. Stay tuned to find out more about this incident as details are uncovered...

Nicki Minaj chokes on stage...literally

Nicki Minaj passed away last night on stage during a performance in Podunk Indiana. In what many called her finest performance ever, her Crest whitening tray apparently fell off her teeth and lodged itself into the back of her throat. Many who witnessed the events never even knew what was going on. One fan, who wished to be identified as Da Wizzurd ShaPower, had this to say: "She wuz up derr doin hurr thang soundin all hnnng den she whooped, drummed, flipped, BAM! Done!" Another spectator who wished to remain anonymous said "She was on the stage sounding like the cat fight she normally does, which, by the way, I totally love. Anyway, suddenly a look of wonder crossed her face and she started to sound like a dolphin being ass raped by a killer whale. Then she fell to the stage, drummed her feet for a few seconds, flipped us all off and was still. It was beautiful, I only wish she was here to do it again." Sadly the fans, the band and even the security crew believed that Nicki was just showing improved showmanship and never thought she was in any real danger. Twenty minutes later one of the stage hands checked on her, sadly, she was already dead. Now America braces itself for the pending outcry of her many fans who will claim how wonderful an artist she was and how troubled her life was for months on end even though we all know she's garbage...much like Amy Whinehouse.